You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
