god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
