I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
