Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
