Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
