Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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