At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
