Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
