New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
