last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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