DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
