Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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