Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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