Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
