and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
