She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
