By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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