just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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