So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
