God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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