So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
