The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
