I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
