You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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