My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All I want is dick and wine.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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