I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
