my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
well you can't waste a boner
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
