That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
