so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
