well I can't set my house on fire every night
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
