My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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