I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
