Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
