Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The feeling are messing with the penis
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
