mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
