he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
