Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
