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She's JV to your varsity
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
