someone get that fucking seahorse.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
