You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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