I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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