your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
