I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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