I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
