you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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