I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
