That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
