Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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