Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
