Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i out mim tonsoeep
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